Monday, July 12, 2010

Conflict Resolution in Teaching

Early in my aikido career I was largely unknown in the dojo. I was the college kid who came stumbling in with dirty hair and smelling like coffee and cigarettes. I found the practice very interesting, but then one of the senior instructors noticed me and took me under his wing. He spent a lot of time training me, encouraging me and inviting me to walk with him down the path. I felt like I was getting more out of my practice than I was getting out of school. This instructor spun my world around, gave me the gift of drive and motivation. He helped me fall in love with training and the path. I learned that the basis of practice is relationships with people. I found a mentor.


A good teacher fosters relationships. A good teacher discovers teachable moments that can turn around a student’s thinking. A good teacher can quite literally be a guide and a positive life changing force in a student’s life.


That is the power of a good teacher.


After several years of training, I made my way into the dojo on a spring afternoon. We were working on the Koryi Dai San Kata bokken work. The instructor was obviously agitated about something. Perhaps he had a bad day at the office? Who knows? Anyways, I either missed or misheard an instruction that he gave the class. All I know is that I looked up and he was staring at me red faced. He exploded in a tirade. He yelled and screamed at me in front of the class for several straight minutes. While I write this now, 15 years later, I can feel the bite of shame in my stomach, and my cheeks are getting red. This one incident was a violation of the relationship we had, and his power as a teacher. I felt terrible. The dojo became a hostile place.


I stopped training for a long while. His one bad day derailed one of his students training for several years. I avoided his classes when I returned. The magic of the practice was gone for me.


Bad teaching, even for a moment can shatter relationships. A moment of bad teaching can limit a student and push them away from study forever. A single bad moment in teaching can be a negative stain and a negative influence forever in a student’s life.


This is the power of bad teaching.

I have been in education for the past 15 years now. I have taught in Japanese public schools. I have taught residential programs with Houston’s tough gang teens. I have taught some students who have some of the toughest behavioral challenges in the state. I have been stabbed in classes, I have been bit. I once found myself being violently attacked by four 18 year olds because I found their stash of drugs. I have had students disrupt my classes and insult me.


But you know what? I have never yelled at a student, not once. It violates the strategic principles of aikido conflict resolution as it has been taught to me. It is adding speed and energy to a conflict to overpower an opponent. Yelling shames people. Yelling asserts dominance and is a harsh way to control. It is counterproductive and shows a lack of self control. It is a short term fix to a problem while not addressing the reasons behind the problem. It points to a failure in the fundamental core principle in teaching and aikido. Teaching and aikido both are based on relationships.


Of course I have made mistakes while teaching. But you know what I ALWAYS try to do? I try to heal the relationship. I am never afraid to say I am sorry, or that my choices were not the best. Even when my choices were justified, letting a student stew in negativity is a failure in teaching. Reestablishing the relationship is the job of the teacher because we are the ones invested with power.

So teachers treat your students well. I implore you to learn gentle teaching and learn good relationship skills. If we do not then we are doing a grave injustice to the people that invest in us. The students are the reason you are there. If you are not building them up, if you are not leading your students down a positive path you are failing in your career and services. One bad moment of teaching can derail a student on their path forever.

If one of your students sits down in fifteen years to write a blog post and still feels shamed and angry, was it a successful lesson?

11 comments:

  1. Great thoughts, and an excellent point to keep in mind. I am proud of you as a friend and fellow instructor.

    Ikei,
    Jeff

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  2. I think this should somehow be included in your definition of Aikido.

    I also can't agree more about the duty and pressures of a teacher. Even the best students will exhibit bad habits from time to time, but all it takes is one single incident to tarnish a relationship forever.

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  3. I think you got the lesson, even if it wasn't what was on the mind of the teacher. That incident, considering its cost and contrasted to the prior relationship, taught you powerfully. Or should I say, you learned from it.

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  4. I'll keep this in mind since I'm just starting out my days as a child instructor in Aikido!

    The task(s) are rather daunting at hand. These are 6-11 years I'm talking about. Nothing bad, it's just not easy to convey the ideals and lessons of Aikido to kids ><.

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  5. Well my friend, if I may make a comment, I'll tell you a few things. First, in general terms I agree with you, I mean, no one should abuse a young man under any circumstances, if this occurs in a teacher – student relationship, then the scenario is even worse. But briefly let me say from my place of school teacher for 30 years, and from my place of aikidoka and instructor with 20 years experience, in your case you should have done some consultation with a health profesional. Please do not misunderstand me, I do not want to be rude, but it is clear here that if a person keeps in his mind and his body a great resentment that oppresses him and leads him to express openly, after so long, it means that this situation has affected him more than normal. But I don´t say this because the situation warrants it: in any case, each person will act differently depending on their history, their family, and especially according to their emotional stability. It is evident from what you've heard that you were not the best example of stability because they need someone to guide you in all aspects of your life. The contradictory of you (again, is not my intention to offend) was that you've rated a 15 years relationship (15 years!) for just a one single situation. As you say, maybe (probably) your instructor has made a big mistake to yell that day, maybe it's like you say, that he has had a “bad day”. But do you wonder if "perhaps" have been you who has not had a good inner life, and you put all your all your hope on a single person? I think it's a heavy burden for anyone. In any case, it is expected that people make mistakes, don´t you? The degree of importance and damage in cases like you've reported, is extremely difficult to assess, even more… after 15 years! It really sounds like a deeper problem, perhaps, for the benefit of the people reading your story, and for your students (surely they often hear it) you should check your spirit deeply and sincerely and (as we say in Aikido) "letting go" your teacher and “his big mistake”. I don´t attempt to teach you anything (again my apologies) but remember: O'Sensei has left us something as beautiful as the "irimi" and "tenkan." So, LET IT GO! Be constructive, discusses how to solve your everyday experiences rather than whine about the past!. Forgive your teacher and shows signs of greatness that you demand even today. You can really blame him for a single situation?, what remains for many poor children suffering real abuse by their elders? I do not want to be disrespectful of your feelings, but I want to be honest. I think if you are in "the Way of Peace" your comment should finish without resentment, greeting your teacher and wishing he too, has learned his lesson.
    I leave my regards with all respect.
    G.R.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Well my friend, if I may make a comment, I'll tell you a few things. First, in general terms I agree with you, I mean, no one should abuse a young man under any circumstances, if this occurs in a teacher – student relationship, then the scenario is even worse. But briefly let me say from my place of school teacher for 30 years, and from my place of aikidoka and instructor with 20 years experience, in your case you should have done some consultation with a health profesional. Please do not misunderstand me, I do not want to be rude, but it is clear here that if a person keeps in his mind and his body a great resentment that oppresses him and leads him to express openly, after so long, it means that this situation has affected him more than normal. But I don´t say this because the situation warrants it: in any case, each person will act differently depending on their history, their family, and especially according to their emotional stability. The contradictory of you (again, is not my intention to offend) was that you've rated a 15 years relationship (15 years!) for just a one single situation. As you say, maybe (probably) your instructor has made a big mistake to yell that day, maybe he has had a “bad day”. But do you wonder if "perhaps" have been you who has put all your hope on a single person? I think it's a heavy burden for anyone. Its expected that people make mistakes, don´t you? The degree of importance and damage in cases like you've reported, is extremely difficult to assess, even more… after 15 years!

    ReplyDelete
  7. (sorry, continue)
    It really sounds like a deeper problem, perhaps, for the benefit of the people reading your story, and for your students (surely they often hear it) you should check your spirit deeply and sincerely and (as we say in Aikido) "letting go" your teacher and “his big mistake”. I don´t attempt to teach you anything (again my apologies) but remember: O'Sensei has left us something as beautiful as the "irimi" and "tenkan." So, LET IT GO! Be constructive, discusses how to solve your everyday experiences rather than whine about the past!. Forgive your teacher and shows signs of greatness that you demand even today. You can really blame him for a single situation?, what remains for many poor children suffering real abuse by their elders? I do not want to be disrespectful of your feelings, but I want to be honest. I think if you are in "the Way of Peace" your comment should finish without resentment, greeting your teacher and wishing he too, has learned his lesson.

    I leave my regards with all respect.
    G.R.

    ReplyDelete
  8. The pain that a revered teacher can inflict on a pupil can be very impacting. I am sorry you had to experience it, even if it had a lesson in it. One teacher (not Aikido) cast me out in my case due to wanting what I was not yet ready for. In my heart of hearts I knew this. He made me leave, I drove over a huge pile of construction dirt wondering if the car would tip over in the driveway while he stood there with his arms folded, cold faced. I pray that you will experience full reconciliation and keep relaxing, sending out your ki, and staying focused, and lovingly giving of yourself for best good.

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  9. It seems that if being yelled at in front of the class was enough to make you quit for years, there is more to the story then we are hearing or you missed the a valuable lesson in your training. If he was really your mentor, then a single scolding should not cancel out all the positive gifts he supposedly bestowed upon you. Aikido is the way of peace but it teaches its lessons from a martial (in other words military) framework.
    You should condition you spirit like we condition the body. O Sensei was know for his temper and would at times explode at students who were not meeting his expectations. Fortunately for us all, they learned from the experience, took the it like a man and went on to teach another generation of students. Along the way, passing on the "gene" of steeling you heart and spirit.

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  10. An excellent post. I concur with all your thoughts on yelling and the abuse of the teacher's position/power. I have been teaching martial arts for the last 26 years, and never once have I yelled at a student or even been tempted (well, excepting kiais of course!). Well said.

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